The Greatest Gift!

The holidays came and went. We continued with our monthly check-in sessions with our coordinator at the adoption agency, and even had a break down a time or two. The wait was definitely taking its toll on us. We tried to make the best of each month by having a lunch date just after our check-in call. It gave us time to reflect together, even when there wasn’t any news.  

Then came April, and with it, a glimmer of hope. We were told that there was a birthmother who had ranked us as her number one choice. Unfortunately, she hadn’t completed any paperwork yet and our agency didn’t want to put us into contact until she showed that she was serious about pursuing adoption for her baby. We knew nothing about this woman, not her state of residence, not her relationship status, nothing identifying. The agency threw us one bone and that was her due date: the end of June.

Oh, were we ever excited! We had finally received a sniff of good news after 9 months of nothing at all. We had to contain ourselves as it felt great to be someone’s number one pick, but we knew nothing about this person or her intent. We knew that the next few months were likely to be the hardest on this birthmother, and we couldn’t get our hopes up for the little snippet we received. It really felt good, satisfying even, and we looked forward to the phone ringing in the next few weeks.

Our May check-in date arrived sooner than we thought and the birthmother still had not completed her paperwork. The agency had tried to reach out to her, but she did not respond. As hard as it was, we had to step out from under our emotional veil and try to understand what was really going on.

One thing all adoptive parents in waiting need to remember is that birthmothers are going through a tremendous amount of preparation, more than we will ever imagine. Here they are, pregnant and likely showing, going to doctors appointments (hopefully), explaining their decision to their family and friends and not likely being 100% supported, trying to convince their hearts that not only is this the best decision they can make for their baby, but that these are the right adoptive parents to entrust with this most precious gift. Another factor to consider, especially in this time, is it is very likely that she may have older children who have been growing attached to the idea of having a baby brother or sister- try explaining that one!

Another glimmer of hope came with the May check-in call and that was there was another birthmother who had made us her number one pick. She was due in August. Finally! We felt some momentum and thought it couldn’t be long until we got a call arranging a time for us to “meet” by phone.

On an absolute high, we decided it was time to consult “the book”. What To Expect When You Are Expecting has a fantastic section on all the things you really need when faced with bringing a newborn home. You don’t need to waste your time baby proofing your cupboards, plugs, and toilets… it is a newborn baby, they won’t crawl, climb, or walk for quite a few months!

We wanted to be proactive and practice things we would talk about with a birthmother but to be honest, practicing takes away from organic conversation. We did not want to be rehearsed, but we wanted to be prepared for anything she might ask us. We Googled “questions from birthparents” and “questions to ask birthparents” and compiled list of ideas. Think of the first phone call as a blind date of sorts. What do you talk about when you are trying to get to know someone? Where are you from? What do you do for fun? What was your favorite hobby growing up? Give yourself the chance to get to the person on the other end of the line; it isn’t just a baby transaction!

Be honest with yourself and make sure you ask all the questions you feel are necessary to know. There are tactful ways to ask hard questions, and know that with open adoptions, you have time to get to know one another and there are things that aren’t pertinent to this beginning stage of building a relationship. You will have the rest of your lives to get to know one another. If there are particulars that you must know before you go any further like drug use, genetic diseases, prenatal care, etc. ask them, but don’t interrogate the birthparents by any means.

Here is a positive language handout (provided by Adoptive Families) that you should start practicing as soon as you choose to talk about adoption to anyone, but most importantly, use this handout when preparing to speak with a birthparent.

Our June check-in meeting seemed to come just as fast as the May one did. There was no new interest, but it seemed like we would soon be in touch with at least one of the birthmothers. It was just taking time, as these often do.

During our journey, I had begun to do a lot of research on breast milk banks. I have always been a strong advocate for breast feeding for the pure nutrition of it all. I found a reputable bank in the Bay Area, but they required a prescription from a doctor stating why your baby needs breast milk. They were also expensive and would only ship you so much at a time. I had a pretty good feeling that I would be able to find a doctor in our area that would give us a prescription; I just had to figure out the finance of it all.

One of our very good friends who had been following our adoption journey was nearing the end of her pregnancy. Life was getting busy and it was very hard to connect, even for a lunch date. Sooner than we know it, it is Sunday, June 19^th and she is giving birth! The very next day, we went to visit her in the hospital and snuggle on her beautiful bundle of baby boy… and joy! She was so glad to finally have us in the same room as her because she had been dying to tell us something for the previous 2 weeks. She decided, with the support of her husband and family that she was going to pump extra breast milk for us. She knew how important it was to us, and wanted to help in any way that she could.

We were so excited that we instantly went on the search for a freezer! After all, we were going to be up to our ears in breast milk sooner than we knew it! We found a great deal on Craigslist, contacted the sellers, and planned to go pick it up on that Friday after Oscar got off work at 1 pm. We had just switched over to a 10 hour per day, 4 day per week schedule at my work, so I had to find fun things to do with my Fridays off. I made plans to meet up with a friend for lunch as I had not seen her in months and she was dying to hear what was going on with the potential birthmothers.

It was June 24^th at 12:30 pm and had been waiting about 30 minutes for my friend to show up to lunch. Oscar was texting me telling me that we had to leave by 1:30 pm in order to meet the freezer sellers at a time he arranged with them. “We can’t be late”, he told me. My friend shows up for lunch and after apologizing profusely for being tardy, she instantly starts asking me questions- every question that we had been asking our agency, every question we had been asked by our family, every question to every lingering question mark in all of our minds. She was so enthusiastic and even though so many people I had recently talked with were just as positive, I felt so good talking with her about the remaining unknown.

We ate quickly because she knew I was on a schedule. My phone rang. It was a restricted number. It was either my boss… but it was our day off… or it was our agency.

Here is where the blur began…

Of course my friend understood when I had to answer my phone and ditch her with the bill at the speed of light! I went outside so I could hear well the birthmother coordinator presenting me with an emergency situation. She told me that there was a birthmother in Sacramento looking for a biracial adoptive family to adopt her baby girl that was born the night before. There was a real urgency stressed to me so I quickly got some minor details registered in my spinning mind and told the coordinator I would call Oscar and get right back to her. My friend came out of the restaurant with eyes as big as cantaloupes wondering what the call was all about. I was so excited, I found myself laughing, crying, shaking, and about ready to jump out of my skin! I said good-bye to my friend and started off toward my car at a walking pace that could easily qualify for Olympic Speed Walking trials.

I immediately called Oscar, and here is how the conversation went:

Oscar: “Hello my love.”

Me: “Where are you?”

Oscar: “I’m driving home to meet you.”

Me: “Pull over.”

Oscar: “Are you ok?”

Me: “Just pull over.”

Oscar: “Ok, ok.”

Me: “Are you pulled over yet?”

Oscar: “Just a sec… ok, what’s up?”

Me: “There’s a baby.”

Oscar: “What?!”

Me: “There’s a baby, in Sacramento. They want us to go.”

Oscar: “Are you serious?!”

Me: “Yes, but there are some things we need to talk about.”

Oscar: “Like what?”

Me: “The baby might have Sickle Cell Anemia.”

Oscar: “What is that?”

Me: “I don’t know exactly, but I will look it up when I get home.”

Oscar: “Ok, let me get home. I can be there in 2 minutes.”

Me: “Ok, I will be right behind you.”

Oscar: “I can’t believe it!”

Me: “I know!”

Oscar: “Are you ok?”

Me: “Just get home!”

Oscar: “Ok, I love you!”

Me: “I love you, too! Oh my God!”

Oscar: “See you in a minute.”

Me: “K, bye.”

My mind began to race with the details I got from the birthmother coordinator.

It was a baby girl. She was born last night. The birthmother didn’t know she was pregnant. The birthmother is African American and Hispanic. The birthmother is only 14 years old and is still at the hospital with her mother. The birth grandmother has to leave the hospital to go take care of some things, but she would be back in an hour and they would like to first talk with any interested adoptive parents. It is a baby girl. The birthmother has Sickle Cell Trait. Both birthparents have to have Sickle Cell Trait in order for the baby to have Sickle Cell Anemia. The birthfathers genetic history is unknown. It is a baby girl. It is a baby girl. It is a baby girl!

By the time Oscar arrived home, I was pacing on the front porch Google-ing Sickle Cell Disease on my smart phone. According to WebMD, it is a very common disease among African Americans that attacks red blood cells, forcing them into a sickle (or half-moon) shape which can cause problems ranging from pain, to infections, to anemia, to stroke but “many people are able to have a very good quality of life by learning to manage the disease”. This was certainly not a deal breaker for me and I instantly felt relief!

Oscar pulled into the driveway with a shocked and stunned look on his face. I think he had suddenly realized that he was home… somehow… perhaps having driven home on auto pilot as his own mind spun in circles, rectangles, trapezoids and other random polyhedrons! I gave him a quick download on what I had just read about Sickle Cell Disease and he too felt relieved. We decided to call the birthmother coordinator right away.

We sat on our bed with the speaker phone on, basically letting the coordinator do all the talking. In all honesty we were slack jawed, not really knowing what to say, and asking any question that popped into our minds as soon as we could focus. All the preparing to talk with a birthmother and listing the important (to us) questions and we couldn’t think of a thing. Since we both decided that we were interested in talking with the birthmother, the coordinator called her to set up a time for us to talk by phone. She gave us the phone number to the hospital, the room number, birthmother’s and birth grandmother’s names, and instructions to call right away.

We shook off what nervousness we could, went out to our back porch to soak in some serenity and sunshine, and dialed. The voice on the other end of the line was very sweet, tired, shy, and a bit timid. We tried to make as much conversation as we could, but there was little dialogue, and understandably so. Even the birth grandmother was admittedly in shock when we briefly spoke with her. We felt like they still had a choice and wanted to present them with as much information about ourselves as necessary. They didn’t know what to ask, and we didn’t know what all to say. Thankfully, they were interested in meeting us and wanted us to be at the hospital at 4:00 pm.

We called our agency back and told them that we were headed down to the hospital to meet. They wanted us to give them a call a while later to let them know how it was all going. Then it dawned on us… we might be coming home with a baby sometime this weekend! We began scrambling trying to pull some necessities together: a change of clothes, deodorant, tooth brush, diaper bag supplies, phone chargers, laptop, and anything else that could have possibly made our house look any more like a tornado had touched down.

We hopped in the car and started a flurry of phone calls. First, Oscar’s parents. Then, a text message blast to those closest to us. After all, the only info we could share is that we were on our way to the hospital to meet a birthmother, and this COULD be it. One of my bosses (from the text message list) wasted no time in calling me… screaming with excitement! We could not let ourselves get too excited just yet as nothing was decided. I put on my responsible adult hat, capped the spread of potentially great news, and called our social worker that performed our home study. She was so excited for us and started presenting some options to us.

Now this part is very important, and if you choose to adopt a child, you should figure this part out before you get lost in the frenzied exhilaration of a child’s birth. At least in California, you have options as to which kind of adoption you do: independent or agency. Since we were called to an emergency situation, we were able to choose how to proceed. We chose to go with the agency adoption because we would be able to have The Family Network do all of our post-placement work rather than a social worker from the state. Our 4 check-in meetings over the next 6 months would be with our social worker, who we were already comfortable with and who already new us. This was a bit more costly to us, but I cannot stress enough that this was the best money we spent to date! We also felt more comfortable with this option because we knew our birthmother would get to work with our social worker through the relinquishment. We truly value all the work she did with us, and knew she would take good care of our birthmother too.

For more information on independent and agency adoptions, here is a great breakdown provided by Adoptive Families: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1017.  

Of course it was Friday afternoon and we hit regular traffic jams on Hwy 80 outside of Roseville, CA. With our commitment to the birth family that we would be in downtown Sacramento at 4:00 pm, Oscar tried to maneuver his way through the cars. With his pedal to the metal, I looked at him and said, “ You do know this will be the last time you drive like a mad man, right?” to which he replied, “Not uh, prom night!”.

Somehow, at only 9 minutes after 4:00 pm we pulled into the front parking lot of Mercy General Hospital where there are limited parking spaces (mainly used for patient drop-off and pick-up). We stopped a Security officer on a Segway and asked where the best place to park for the Maternity ward was. Just as we finished our question, the officer points to a car directly across from the front doors pulling out of its spot. “That one is good” the officer responded. It was like it was meant to be… already!

We walked inside the hospital, wandering the hallway, trying to figure out where the Maternity ward was located. We were directed to take the elevator to the third floor. The elevator doors opened. We looked right, but there was only a wall. We looked left, and there was the Security desk. After taking two steps at the most, the Security attendant looked up at us and said, “I know who you two are. You are Oscar and Kelly!”

Wow! What a feeling! It turned out just about all the staff on the Maternity ward floor knew who we were. They were all so overjoyed that an adoptive family had come to love this baby girl. She would not end up in “the system” or in an orphanage. Here were two people who wanted to welcome this little angel into their hearts and into their home. This was one of the greatest feelings we have ever felt!

We were given name badges and sent on our way down the hall to our birthmother’s room. We were both very nervous, but our excitement overwhelmed our nerves. After all, the young woman on the other side of this door could make all our dreams come true!

For the next 15 minutes or so, we awkwardly got to know each other a little bit. The birthmother was very shy, but she was also trying to recover from giving birth, so she was also very tired. Thankfully, I remembered to grab our “coffee table” version of our profile from home before we left for the hospital. Our birthmother never had the chance to read through our profile, see our pictures, or even watch our video we had made for the website. We were happy to provide her with our last (and only) profile so she could look it over while still in the hospital.

There wasn’t a whole lot we (all four of us) could say. Oscar and I were concerned about her health and the baby’s as well. Not knowing she was pregnant and not having any prenatal care, she was just as concerned. The doctors had told her that the baby girl was very healthy, but due to hospital policy, she would have to remain in the hospital under careful watch of the Special Care Nursery staff for at least 48 hours. She asked us if we wanted to go see the baby and our hearts skipped a beat!

We made our way through the halls and to the nursery door. She rang the bell and we waited for an answer. A nurse holding a little baby answered the door as if she had been expecting us for at least an hour. We couldn’t help but stare at the baby she was holding, she was just too precious! The three of us headed over to the hand washing station and started in on the routine of scrubbing with a special brillo pad, and cleaning under our nails with a special pick. Once completely clean, we went to her station to get comfortable. The nurse who answered the door holding the baby came over to us and asked if we would like to hold her. That was our baby she was holding… we knew it!

I looked at our birthmother and she gave me the nod. I looked at Oscar and he also gave me the nod. Oh, she was so little, so precious, and so snuggly! I couldn’t help but stare at her. It was so hard to break my gaze. I knew this was our daughter. I knew I was going to love her for the rest of my life. My eyes filled with tears, but I didn’t let myself cry. I didn’t know what was going through our birthmother and birthgrandmother’s minds and hearts, so I was a little apprehensive to get too attached. We hadn’t spent more than 15 minutes with them, and it was hard to get a read on them in this situation.

I didn’t want to hog all the time with her, so after about 10 minutes, I passed her to Oscar. Oscar had just held his first newborn (reluctantly) earlier that week. I had just witnessed him being so incredibly nervous and uncomfortable holding our friends little boy that I expected some sort of anxiety when I went to hand her off, but there was none. He was so excited to hold her he could hardly wait! I watched my husband melt around that little baby girl as if they were always meant to be together. His eyes welled up and he couldn’t help but cry. He loved her so much, right from the start. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

If there was ever a question of whether or not we would love this most precious gift, I know that Oscar’s reaction answered just in the nick of time! We spent the next 2 hours in the special care nursery together, talking, laughing, crying, and getting to know each other and all our similarities. It was one of those great bonding times that you never want to end, but with a healing birthmother, we eventually had to call it quits so she could eat dinner and get some rest. The special care nursery staff needed to change hands as well, so it was a good opportunity for us all to take a break for a while.

We told them that we would go off and get some dinner as well, but we would be back as soon as possible if they wanted to spend more time with us. We parted ways, trading cell phone numbers, and planning on meeting up soon. Oscar and I started driving down the road in complete amazement, our heads swimming with what to do and who to call. Over the next hour and a half, we swirled in vortex of forcing ourselves to eat, calling our parents, family and friends, calling in to our bosses to tell them we wouldn’t be in to work for a while, and trying to find a baby store to buy all the essentials we would need to take the baby home so we would not have to leave the hospital once we got back. Fortunately, we had already done a lot of research on the car seat/stroller we wanted and were lucky enough to find the very last one at the store! The stars were still lining up!

We got back to the hospital and went to the maternity ward waiting room to hang out for a bit. I sent birthgrandmother a text letting her know we were back. We checked in with the nursery and they asked us if we wanted to come in to feed the baby. Oh, what an amazing experience!! We couldn’t stay in there too long as it about time for the baby to sleep and we didn’t want to overwhelm the nursery staff too much... at least not at that time. We didn’t hear back from the birthgrandmother over the next hour, so to calm our racing minds, we went out to the parking garage (after losing our most perfect parking space in the front) and started to assemble the car seat. Well, actually, Oscar started to assemble the car seat and I continued to talk on the phone.

I checked in with our Adoption agency, but I didn’t get a lot of direction. I was hoping someone would tell us what to do- get a hotel room; don’t leave the hospital, etc. Instead, we flew blind for the rest of the weekend. We didn’t know any better, so we really didn’t care too much.(NOTE: Your agency should be in contact with the hospital social worker- no matter the state- and the social worker can provide you with information on lodging and expectations if your agency doesn’t.) We never heard back from the birthgrandmother that night and assumed they fell asleep, so after going back and forth between an overcrowded waiting room and the cold and dark parking garage more times than we could count, we decided to stay in the parking garage and try to get some sleep in the truck.

After about 2 hours of the most uncomfortable sleep, I was done. I couldn’t help but think about our birthmom. I woke up Oscar at 4 am and told him we needed to find a Walmart because we needed to get the birthmom a gift. We would also need to get some breakfast at some point in time. We fired up the truck and found a 24 hour Walmart nearby. We walked in and saw the jewelry counter lights on- perfect! I was thinking a necklace and pendant would suit the situation. Oscar went to ask a cashier for help at the jewelry counter to which he received the following response: “the jewelry counter doesn’t open until 7 am”. He relayed this info to me and I told him, “Ok, let’s go pick up some items and show them we are going to spend money here, and try again in a minute.”

We found the same formula used in the hospital, got a package of diapers, a change of clothes for Oscar, and a few toiletries we left behind in the chaos of trying to leave the house. We headed up to the cash register again and I asked the cashier for help at the jewelry counter. I was told the same thing Oscar was told, to which I replied, “I understand. However, we are heading back to the hospital where we are adopting a newborn baby girl. Our birthmother is going to leave later today and I don’t want her to leave empty handed after giving us this precious gift. We will NOT be leaving the hospital after we get back until we are leaving with the baby, so is there any way you can make an exception?” The cashier called over her manager and asked her if we could get help at the jewelry counter. She told me that the jewelry counter didn’t open until 7 am to which I replied, “I understand. However, we are heading back to the hospital where we are adopting a newborn baby girl. Our birthmother is going to leave later today and I don’t want her to leave empty handed after giving us this precious gift. We will NOT be leaving the hospital after we get back until we are leaving with the baby, so is there any way you can make an exception?” She called her manager, explained to him what I had told her, looked at me and said, “He will meet you at the jewelry counter in just a minute.”

Once back at the hospital, we did our freshening in an under populated restroom and quickly headed up to the maternity ward floor. We knew that we could go in to feed the baby at 7 am and had to kill some time. We set up shop in the waiting room, now much less crowded.

The morning was spent mainly in the nursery with the baby. We knew our birthmom was going to be discharged before the baby would, to avoid potentially running in to one another in the hallway. She had come in and out of the nursery that morning and when I knew the time was drawing near for her, I asked her, "Do you want some alone time with her? I won't be offended if you. Just let me know." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and nodded. I told her I would be in the waiting room if she needed me and left her alone. 

When we first got the call, we were told the birthmother did not want to see the baby. By the time we got to the hospital, she had gone to see her. After we got to the hospital, she told us she did not want to hold the baby, but by the next day, she had. The next day, our birthmom took another giant step in feeding the baby with a bottle. We were really glad that she had taken these steps because we felt it was necessary for her to have peace. Understandably so, there was a little uneasiness on our parts as each of those steps could have begun to change her mind about placing the baby for adoption. To each their own…

We spent the next hour between the waiting room going over final documents with the hospital social worker and the cafeteria. We were told to get one last bite of food, it was going to be a long day! The doctor cleared the baby to be released from the hospital 12 hours early, but we still had to wait for the birthmom to leave. We had more time to kill, but it didn't matter to us; we were going anywhere without our daughter!

Saying goodbye to our birthmom and birthgrandmother was very hard. There were a lot of tears from us all. It was hard. It was emotional. It was happy and sad all at the same time. We knew it was not the end and that we would see each other soon, and I think that was the glimmer of hope that helped us all through it. 

In the interim, the nursery staff decided to show us the ropes. We did a few diaper changes, cleaned her umbilical cord and got a dose of what bathing a newborn is all about. The nurses even cleared off her cart and counter top for us, filling a bag full of nipples, 2 oz. bottles, formula, and diapers. It was awesome! We were well stocked with what we needed to get through the next few weeks.






After about 2 hours, they let us go home. We put the baby in our recently purchased car seat, snugged up the seat belt, and headed off to the elevator. One of our nurses, a very special nurse named Shelley, took extra good care of us and even accompanied us to the car.  Here we go, we thought, we're on our way home as a family, finally!